Rage Held Tight
by DeppsLadyRosebud
Summary: Dean's gone and Sam can't cope. Short story SamAngst!


**Rage Held Tight**

I wake up screaming in the middle of the night, my heart pounds so quick in my chest I am surprised it hasn't yet burst, Sweat Rage Held Tight

I wake up screaming in the middle of the night, my heart pounds so quick in my chest I can't manage a single breath. Sweat pours down my face mixing with the tears that I begin to cry the minute my eyes open, blurring my vision and creating mere shadows out of objects aligning my most recent motel room.

I've lived it again. The last moments of your life.

The Screaming, the pain, the crimson liquid that poured so freely from your mortal wounds, slowly draining the life away from you and pulling you down toward the gates of hell, where you are destined to spend eternity.

It's my fault your there, I remember that every minute of every day…

I am forced to watch helpless and motionless as you die right before my eyes I can't reach you, I can't save you… Hell I can't even hold your hand and tell you that I am there…

Remind you I am there in your final moments, remind you that you are not alone… Even though soon we will both be.

There is so much I should of told you, so many things I wish I'd said, but denial… my stubborn selfish pride… Kept me for once in my life from even trying to tell you how I felt.

I didn't really think that a single year was all that remained, I thought that we would find a way out of this one just as we have so many times before…

I never would have believed time would really run out.

That I would be sitting in the darkness tears having drenched the pillow where my head should be laid…. Sitting here, realizing that the nightmare I have just woken up from is not a nightmare at all… But a vivid and gruesome memory.

So many hours I have spent curled against the wall of the darkest corner I could find, reverting myself back to a time many years ago when I was no more than a child, hiding… waiting to be found.

I sit there waiting….

Sometimes it is the sun of the fallowing day that tells me that more than a few hours have passed; yet still I wait…

Wait for you to come and hover over me, to scold me and tell me how much of a bitch I am for crying…

But you never come.

And then is when I realize you won't be coming again.

Won't be there to watch my back, to fix my mistakes, and tell me everything that I am doing wrong…

You're gone.

You thought you were saving me.

When really you were abandoning me.

You thought this was for the best, bringing me back, exchanging my life for yours… So bold… so noble… So you, willing to sacrifice everything.

Never stopping to think, never realizing…

Without you I am Dead.

What was the use of bringing me back only to kill me all over again?

Why would you put all this on my shoulders when you knew how it felt?

Why couldn't you just let me go?

Why couldn't you have just accepted things as they were?

I slide your leather jacket, the same one our father once wore, over my shoulders and even if it's only for a small second I feel you again, I smell you, and I hear you inside me somewhere…

I climb behind the wheel of your most prized possession and I press down hard on the gas, I can hear you in rhythm with the loud roar of her engine.

_"listen to her purr" _you tell me, your voice as excited as a five year old seeing the inside of a candy store for the first time.

_"Take care of her, or I swear I'll haunt your ass." _

I resist the urge to rip her apart, throw her engine into the river and strip her to a pure shell… Simply out of the hopes that you will haunt me even more than you already do.

An idle, worthless comment that you once threw my way and now I hold on to as some sort of... wish... or... promise I guess?

I can't rip her apart though, I can't even knick her paint.

It is inside of her that I find my most beautiful solitude, which shouldn't be to much of a surprise to either one of us, She was after all more than just a car to you… she was a part of you…

And now she is a part of me.

I run my fingers over her leather and think about the hours you would condition it, I glance into the rearview mirrors and swear sometimes it is you, not my own reflection looking back at me.

The last pack of gum you bought still sits where you left it on the passenger's side floorboard, I leave it there, it's waiting for you.

It's waiting for you just as I am. And If I pick it up, if I move it, if I get rid of it… It isn't waiting for you anymore…

Does that mean that I'm not waiting for you anymore? So I don't touch it.

I don't know why though… It's just a stupid pack of gum it's meaningless really…

But still I just… Can't

I don't talk much anymore, I don't know if I even remember how…

There's no one left for me to talk to.

I strive on the darkness and hate the light.

Even if it's a nightmare, even if I only dream those same gruesome moments when I close my eyes.

You are there, and in some sick sadistic way I find comfort in your presence.

Not in your pain, or your screams…

Comfort in the emotions that your memories bring, finally allowing me to feel something…

I am numb now you know?

I am dead unless I am asleep.

I am asleep and I remember.

I am dead unless I remember.

Remember what you did for me…

No what you did to me.

The sounds of my own blood curdling screams waking me in the dead of the night, mixing in with yours which play constantly inside my head.

The memories of your gasping lifeless breathes as the light goes out in your eyes and when I finally reach you, you are already gone…

I didn't even say goodbye.

These are my punishments.

For just as you now find yourself in hell

I am there too…

Waiting for you.

_Random late night short from an insomniac mind!! As always let me know what you think_


End file.
